Dec. 22, 2024
Sometimes, things change unexpectedly, suddenly and rapidly, without warning or notice, as I know all far too well. Sometimes that change is life altering and at other times it is simply a change in direction and heart. What this was going to be, is not what it will be. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all, from the Montes men.
One more thing...
One more thing, my love. I see you, I see your beautiful smile, and those amazing eyes of yours. I don’t see you the other way, anymore. God answered my prayer and took it from me. Thank you, baby. I love you, D. And as always and of course, without a doubt,, I love you more..
8:58 PM 12/13/24
It's been a great day.
D
It’s been a great day, honey. I had forgotten and had got lost in some things. I found myself again in your eyes, thank you, baby. It occurs to me, this is our love story. My journey, now, is part of our story as well. Our love for each other endures and transcends life. I feel your energy all around me. You’re here and we’re together. We are forever connected. I love you more..
J
8:48 PM 12/13/24
What a friend does
My life-long friend, Karen, texted these to me this morning. It’s wonderful to feel cared about. 
Thank you, Karen, you are truly a wonderful friend. I will go get checked out, as soon as I have the boys and things settled.
I fogot what that felt like to just be cared about.
6:55 AM 12/12/24
Lost in your eyes. I am happy and at Peace today. Thank you, my love.
D,
I’ve been lost in your eyes all morning. I can’t stop looking at you and those eyes of yours. You have no idea and I could never describe how, the way you looked at me, made me feel. Looking at this picture gazing into those beautiful, amazing blue eyes of yours, I feel the same way. I felt so loved, cared for, wanted, desired, happy, peaceful and whole. I feel that way, again. I am lost in your eyes, just the way I always had been. Thank you for loving and caring for me the way you did. I miss you so much. I know you’re with me, I know you’re here, now, I feel you. Thank you for bringing out the very best in me. I am happy and at peace today, thank you, my love. I love you more..
J
10:10 AM 12/11/24
Those eyes. Can't wait to get lost in them, once more.
D,
The more I read, that much more I appreciate you, that much more I miss you and I fall that much more in love with you. It’s fitting that our song is playing. I’m so in love with you and it keeps on getting better and better. I wanted to spend the rest of my life in your eyes and you in mine. You truly amazed me. I miss you so much and without any doubt or uncertainty, I love you more.. can’t wait to see you my love. I’ll be coming home to you. I promise. I love you. I miss my sunshine. I can’t wait to get lost in your eyes, once more.
J
12:28 AM 12/11/24
Holy Sh!t, Bat Girl!
Today was going through the financials, to file corporate bankruptcy by the end of the year. OMG!! Which led me to have to look at emails and oh my God, again. Holy sh!t! I had an idea, but not like this. Holy sh!t!
Side note. This person didn’t know Dawne at all. She denigrates, demeans and character assassinates Dawne, a person she didn’t know nor knew the person Dawne was. Dawne, was an incredibly strong, incredible woman. Dawne had her demon, but that was not me and never me. Dawne and I had an amazing relationship, partnership, friendship, and marriage.
Dawne never put people down, nor trashed them, nor said bad things about them. If she didn’t want to engage with someone because they were not her cup of tea, they weren’t in her or our universe and didn’t eat up one second of thought nor time of hers.
My Dawnie was a hard ass, tough as nails. You always knew where you stood with Dawne. She was the most authentic genuine real person I have ever known. She put on no airs and didn’t pretend to be something she wasn’t. You knew exactly where you stood with her.
She was my perfect matching puzzle piece. We just fit.
Remember, after all, I am her husband and it is a privilege and honor that she chose me to be. I didn’t choose for her to be gone. I would never choose that nor have chosen to live a life without her.
My Dawne was the most amazing incredible woman. An incredible person. An incredible mother and the very best partner, companion, friend and spouse a person could have. That is who my wife was and as her husband, I will honor her and protect her and her name to the day I take my last breath.
11:44 PM 12/10/24
The look on my face, when returning home from [redacted] on October 21st and discovering..
The look on my face, when returning home from Jail and discovering that the older two had ransacked my house, sold items of mine off and had taken countless other valuable things, but this is the look of having your heart ripped out of your ass. Among the things taking (stolen) was Dawne’s jewelry, her engagement ring and her four wedding bands. All the other stuff and things taken, can be replaced, those can never be. Her necklace, earrings and the rings were placed into my hands by the priest at St. Joseph’s West the night Dawne passed away. Nothing else mattered, had just been told a few days earlier that they discovered a large mass in my left lung or that I was arrested or that I had to..
If ever, you wanted to crush, eviscerate and destroy someone (me), you would have to do exactly that. I had my heart ripped out of my ass and.. That is the reason for the look on my face.
1:32 PM 12/09/24
How do you make peace with that? How do you make peace with something that keeps you up at night and causes you such heartache, pain, agony, and suffering? How? How do you come to terms with something like that? That never stops. That continuously rips your heart out through your ass. How? I’m begging. How? God knows I wish I knew. He won’t take it from me. How? Why won't you take that from me, God? Why?
9:49 PM 12/08/24
You can't make this sh!t up. Yellowstone has nothing on this.
You can’t make this shit up. I need to do a podcast or a reality show based on the unreality of all of it. It is so surreal. I’m doing what I was told to do, asked to do and need to do. And I’m only still in 2021. OMG!! it is amazing what you will put up with when somebody has your freedom in their hands and they know it. OMG!!! Wildwood, the next Yellowstone. Yellowstone has nothing on this. LMAO.
10:24 PM 12/07/24
Such a catch!
I am such a catch these days. I have insanely high blood pressure, I’m a stroke or a heart attack away at any moment. My back is so bad I fall down a lot and have become incontinent. Oh I forgot, I have a large mass in my left lung, discovered during my vacation to that all exclusive St. Louis County jail. I, nearly, forgot to mention, I am wearing the latest in Wildwood jewelry on my ankle, a parting gift from Heather. Other than those things.. you know. did I happen to mention, life is good.
10:22 PM 12/07/24
How can I make peace with it? How can I make a deal with it and come to terms with it? How?
Everyone means well, but how? When, my first thought and vision is not the beauty of her and those, amazingly, stunning, beautiful blue eyes, which were full of life, happiness and joy, and that I loved to gaze into and get lost in. Those eyes and the way she looked at me and the feelings they stirred and generated in me, the warmth, the love, the happiness, the joy and the peace I felt looking into those eyes of hers. No, my first thought and vision are the terrifying, horrific and ugliness of the face of death, hers, that I saw when I rolled her over. How can you make peace with that and come to terms with it? I don’t know how to.
10:13 AM 12/07/24
How? How do you do those things?
How do you or how can you? I have struggled and suffered, so much, since that December night in 2016. So, I am asking, begging, pleading for the answers. I don’t know how and I don’t know if I can or could. I have no idea or clue, I don’t know how to do those things. I don’t know how to let that go, to make peace with it, to move beyond it and to love life, again. I don’t know how. So, How?
12:00 AM 12/07/24
